sunday... i woke up at about 9 with a very nasty feeling... nasty, nasty, nasty... for lack of a better word to describe it, not even a proper term to describe a feeling, not at all if, if you are a real writer, oh well, im not!...
to backtract a bit... saturday evening wasn't a good one at all... learned about a stupid stupid stupid stupid tale from a friend in pinas! (dont think its proper to narrate it here though...)... it made me so so so so sick.... suddenly, other negative thoughts hurried through my senses... crapper, not at this time!!!... but i just can't stop them, they just hurriedly invaded my nerves.... i wanted to cry... cry... cry... but no, i am strong, i am strong, i am strong... worst, i was reminded of things about my family, my friends, my life!... who would want to feel and think about all these.... i felt so alone... i felt so sad... really sad... i wanted to call my sister, i wanted to call my bestfriend... but it would mean at least $60 each coz i dont think i can hang up soonest... i dont have a card, my international call allocation in my plan is already exhausted... what should i do... well... im good at this.... when it comes to problems, im very talented in keeping them to myself and in pretending that nothing is wrong (except that i shut my mouth and be so quiet)... i kept my feelings to myself... i tried to distract my negative feelings by surfing the net, chatting with friends in sgv (thanks to sametime), researching for the cheapest flight to gold coast, checking the cheapest flight to pinas, while watching a gay movie in tv - all these i did until 2 am... i tried to escape from these negative feelings... i won't cry, i am strong... i closed my eyes and decided il go to mass first thing tomorrow...
yap, i woke up so early to go to mass... i realized, im not totally alone, yap, my messiah is waiting for me to unload my burden to him... it feels forever waiting for the bus... how can it be this long... God!... to be honest, i was more stressed than relieved listening to the priest, its not what he is saying, its just him, period... consecration came, and boom!... i wanted to cry again... no way, hold it, hold it,.... i went to communion... this time i cant help it anymore, i was so teary... good thing i was wearing my eyeglasses, at least my teary eyes weren't so obvious... but hey, i was suddenly relieved, were my burdens unloaded now?.... hmm... i very much think so!... no doubt, God is the strength of my heart.... silly thinking that i was alone... coz i was not...
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